PippaBee
09-08-2007, 11:21 PM
Apologises for what I believe will be a long post...
I'm 17 years old and I think I have phagophobia, a fear of swallowing. I only discovered the term for this today, and have been researching all I possibly can all day. I know that I've been a moderate emetophobic (fear of vomiting) since I was about 14. So far, the emet. has stopped me doing so many things, but over the past couple of months I've been able to put it to the back of my mind, and was just starting to be able to get out and live a bit more.
Now this week, I've suddenly developed this intense fear of swallowing anything. I've never been able to swallow pills, so I have to crush them up and take the powder with a gulp of water, or pour the power into sherbet and eat it that way. I'm currently on antibiotics for a possible infection, which I don't think is doing much good, but I don't get the results back for another 2 weeks. Before this week, I've been able to survive on what I do, I've not had a problem swallowing, just had the fear of being sick, but now I'm struggling to eat anything. I'm taking minute sips of liquids because I'm paranoid about choking on them, and I'm over-chewing all my food in tiny amounts order to get it down. I have major issues with going to see a doctor because so far in my life, everytime I've been to see them, they've told me that something is drastically wrong and it's all been very traumatic (traumatic for me is being prescribed tablets I suppose, but I also had to have major surgery on my spine in 2005, during which I nearly died and had to reswallow a nasalgastric tube because I was vomiting so much... so very much a traumatic situation for an emet!) I've read about things like Barium swallows and having cameras inserted up the nose, and it all just sounds like a repeat of what I had to go through in hospital, which I really can't cope with again.
The thing is, I've been on the antibiotics for 2 weeks now, and it's only in the last 4 days or so that I've developed this, so I can't see why it would be that. I suppose it's also possible that it has something to do with a friend's friend choking to death, but that happened just over 2 years ago. I just don't know what's the matter - in my mind I know that it's completely illogical, and there is nothing to suggest that I'm not perfectly capable of just eating and drinking like everyone else, but for some reason that just doesn't work. I've almost cried myself to sleep over this for the past few days and I don't know how I'm going to cope for much longer. It's got to the stage already where I think it would be easier to just have a tube connected to my stomach that I can pump liquidised food into 3 times a day. I just don't see a way out of this, and when I think about all the situations in which needing to eat properly is a necessity, it overwhelms me. I told my parents about the emetophobia after I had a minor nervous breakdown during a school performance because of it and it hasn't been mentioned since. My brother continues to mock me for not being able to take tablets properly, and I can't take much more.
I don't see how doctors would be able to perform a swallow evaluation on me, because I can't make myself swallow anything big enough to be evaluated. I know I need help, but I'm so scared, and I don't want to be admitted into hospital again, in case it's like my spinal operation all over again. I don't want to die of malnutrition or anything like that, and I wish more than anything that this would just go away.
My family have noticed that something is wrong, and I've told them that I have a sore throat and a mouth ulcer, but I can't go on pretending this forever.
Sorry for blabbering on... has anyone had the same experience? Or similar? Or know someone who has? I know that anyone I tell about this will probably either scoff at it, or section me, or force feed me, and I really can't bear for any of those to happen.
I'm 17 years old and I think I have phagophobia, a fear of swallowing. I only discovered the term for this today, and have been researching all I possibly can all day. I know that I've been a moderate emetophobic (fear of vomiting) since I was about 14. So far, the emet. has stopped me doing so many things, but over the past couple of months I've been able to put it to the back of my mind, and was just starting to be able to get out and live a bit more.
Now this week, I've suddenly developed this intense fear of swallowing anything. I've never been able to swallow pills, so I have to crush them up and take the powder with a gulp of water, or pour the power into sherbet and eat it that way. I'm currently on antibiotics for a possible infection, which I don't think is doing much good, but I don't get the results back for another 2 weeks. Before this week, I've been able to survive on what I do, I've not had a problem swallowing, just had the fear of being sick, but now I'm struggling to eat anything. I'm taking minute sips of liquids because I'm paranoid about choking on them, and I'm over-chewing all my food in tiny amounts order to get it down. I have major issues with going to see a doctor because so far in my life, everytime I've been to see them, they've told me that something is drastically wrong and it's all been very traumatic (traumatic for me is being prescribed tablets I suppose, but I also had to have major surgery on my spine in 2005, during which I nearly died and had to reswallow a nasalgastric tube because I was vomiting so much... so very much a traumatic situation for an emet!) I've read about things like Barium swallows and having cameras inserted up the nose, and it all just sounds like a repeat of what I had to go through in hospital, which I really can't cope with again.
The thing is, I've been on the antibiotics for 2 weeks now, and it's only in the last 4 days or so that I've developed this, so I can't see why it would be that. I suppose it's also possible that it has something to do with a friend's friend choking to death, but that happened just over 2 years ago. I just don't know what's the matter - in my mind I know that it's completely illogical, and there is nothing to suggest that I'm not perfectly capable of just eating and drinking like everyone else, but for some reason that just doesn't work. I've almost cried myself to sleep over this for the past few days and I don't know how I'm going to cope for much longer. It's got to the stage already where I think it would be easier to just have a tube connected to my stomach that I can pump liquidised food into 3 times a day. I just don't see a way out of this, and when I think about all the situations in which needing to eat properly is a necessity, it overwhelms me. I told my parents about the emetophobia after I had a minor nervous breakdown during a school performance because of it and it hasn't been mentioned since. My brother continues to mock me for not being able to take tablets properly, and I can't take much more.
I don't see how doctors would be able to perform a swallow evaluation on me, because I can't make myself swallow anything big enough to be evaluated. I know I need help, but I'm so scared, and I don't want to be admitted into hospital again, in case it's like my spinal operation all over again. I don't want to die of malnutrition or anything like that, and I wish more than anything that this would just go away.
My family have noticed that something is wrong, and I've told them that I have a sore throat and a mouth ulcer, but I can't go on pretending this forever.
Sorry for blabbering on... has anyone had the same experience? Or similar? Or know someone who has? I know that anyone I tell about this will probably either scoff at it, or section me, or force feed me, and I really can't bear for any of those to happen.