I need help.....I have Satanophobia :(

[koshi_bara]

Hello everyone.

Well I dont know where to start here exactly, but I'll try and put what's going on in my life in a paragraph.
2 Years ago my mum and I were watching television and a programme about a girl being posessed by the devil came on (No it wasn't the exorcist) I told her to turn it off and I started to feel extremely panicy.....I couldn't understand why it got to me so much..
I left the room and went and sat on my bed and started to get strange pains in my chest, I couldn't understand it. I'de never had a panic attack before in my life, and this was just...new and horrible. So then, for some reason a bigger problem seemed to emerge. I developed Satanophobia (Fear of Satan). Everynight when I go to sleep I lay awake in bed and I'm just frozen with panic, absolute crippling fear.
I plucked up the courage to go to the doctors about it around this time last year. I didn't want to say anything because I thought they'd think I'm crazy. He didn't really care to be honest, but referred me to counselling and unfortunately that hasn't worked - TWICE.
I should be going to see a psychiatrist or a phobia specialist or something, but to be honest I dont really know why and how this problem....got so big. It's spiraled out of control. I hear voices in my head, heck, I've even considered killing myself it's getting to the point where I can no longer bare to open my eyes every morning and carry on feeling this way. I just want to die.
I have 'Rescue Remedy' and sure......that helps a little, but not enough. I've been given breathing excercises to do, but I can't relax or stop thinking about my phobia or the voices in my head, it's too damn hard to relax.
It's controlling my life. I'm not happy at all, and I'm too scared to talk about it. Even saying the damn name makes me quiver with fear..
I dont habe money to pay for professional lessons, I'm only 17 years old. My mother was going to get me to see a psychiatrist for my 18th....but I want it sorted now. :(
Please, can someone help me? I'm begging you........any kind of advice at all PLEASE. I'm at the brink...

Thank you in advance....anyone..

[Aussiemum]

hi Koshi-Bara,

i am so happy that you have the courage to open up and speak to us.
i dont know how you are feeling but I know my own fear of dying has so much control over me that you feel stupid and alone!

I have spoken to a doctor about my fear of Dying and she just refered me to a counselor..
my counselor is ok but she just tells me to relax, breath and think of the positives!!!!

Its hard I know, how can you be positive-breath and relax when you are SCARED!
there IS somebody out there who can help you, I dont know who or where or when but there IS always somebody who can help.

i dont think for one minute that you are strange or crazy. I know what its like to have a fear and thats all it is, a fear.

At 17 you have a wonderful, beautiful life ahead of you.

Is you Mum supportive or is she tired of this?

I know my Husband tries to help me with my Anxiety but really he doesnt understand and often i feel so alone :(

I really hope you can find some sense of comfort on this forum, it has helped me a lot. Just to know you are not alone is big for me.

I look forward to hearing from you and maybe we can help each other.

Please Take care and write me asap

AnnMaree :)

[koshi_bara]

Hi Aussiemum!

Thank you so much for replying, I never thought anyone would reply to me incase they thought I was weird or something...
I feel like nobody can help me and I'm all alone all the time too! My mum doesn't know the extent of what's going on in my head, I can't open up to her at all. And to be honest, she sometimes just says to me "It's just your age" but I know it's NOT!!!
And yes I would like that very much if we could help each other, I dont have alot of supportive friends where I live, well I do but they dont understand, I know they try but they're not going through a similar thing so...It's not the same.
I empathize with your problem alot...I fear death too :-[
And it's related to my Satanophobia aswell.
*Sigh* I just wish sometimes I could just take all my worries and problems out of my head and just throw them somewhere far, far away.

I hope to hear from you again :)

-Chelsey

[minxy]

hello koshi bara ,
it really feels good that you been 17 and courageous to speakout everything about your problems and i assure you that we would help you till we can but for that u need to be positive and try to relax ur mind and body and u said that ur going to the psychiatrist , i would also recommed u should go to the psychiatrist and keep update about that visit .

take care and be positive

thanks,
minxy:)

[Aussiemum]

Hi Chelsey,

You sound a bit more cheery.. :)

Why cant we live life happy and carefree! I often ask myself that question.
Anxiety and everything related to it is actually quite common these days.

i have only been diagnosed with Anxiety 6 months ago so I am trying to find out as much info about it. I have learnt heaps of this site in the past 2 weeks.

I know you battle your demons daily and so do I.
I hate feeling like this and nobody really knows just how crap I feel.

I hide a lot from my husband because I am embarrassed about my thoughts. I dont have any close friends, I push people away because I dont want them knowing how I feel.

This site could be good for us!

I think when your Mums says "its just your age", she is (1) hoping you will grow out of it and (2) She doesnt know how to deal with this... I know if I was your Mum I wouldnt know either!

Its not the knid of thing you can just open up and talk about.

I hate worring about death and I could never talk to my Mum about it. My Mum and I are not close and i know she would respond to me with, "Oh dont be stupid...You are 30 and healthy what are you worried about", now thats the exact responce i would get!

I hope you are feeling better after reading this. You are certainlty NOT alone :)

Take Care Chelsey and I look forward to hearing from you again..
AnnMaree
ps, where do you live..is this an aust site or is it worldwide??

[sam]

hello koshi bara looks ur in great pain and problem , My worries were quite bizarre and specific i wont go out socializing with my friends a nite out makes me feel nausious and anxious i dont know why, if i manage to pluck up the strength to then go out with them i dont drink as it makes me nervous about being ill and hungover. Also i wont eat certain foods for fear of being ill. i cant remeber the last time i went out for food in a restaurant and ate a whole meal. Yet there are certain places that are 'safe' as i describe them that i know can do without getting to worked up or anxious such as the cinema and beach. Meeting new people is obviously difficult and as i have the usual worries will they like me, omg they think think i'm a freak. Ive told my friends about it and they sort of understand yet still they are unable to persuade me on a night out. i therefore spend most nights alone in my room while my friends are out partying. Then this makes me nevous because i shouldnt be in my room on my own so much. this all seems to add up 2 a visious circle of anxiety. Any 'new' and 'big' situation i find scary usually results in me not eating until i am used to the situation.For example when i moved away to uni i didnt eat for 4 days as the nerves made me feel sick.i went away 2 uni to try 2 concur my fears which has helped me make friends easierly but hasnt really helped me 2 go out more.

but after joining this forum , now i'm feeling good about myself by hearing and reading encouraging and inspiring stories and replies , this forum has really changed me from what i was before joining this forum and my friends are also liking and behaving good with me.
i would recommand u to be positive and interact more with the members outhere , it would really help u .

take care and be happy

warm regards,
sam.

[Aussiemum]

Hi Chelsey,

How are you doing today?
Hi Sam, thanks for adding to this thread. I am sure Chelsey will appreciate your honesty and know there is another friend in here!

I was just given a book and its called, "A resource book for good mental Health". It has been supported by another website www.beyondblue.org.au should check this site, it touches on depression and everything related.

Anyway I read up on Anxiety and it has a page on Warning Signs..
Its has my fear.... ( fear of having a serious illness that the doctor cannot detect) & (worring a lot about your health) & ( Fear of dying, going mad or something bad happening)
Its funny I thought it was just me being sensitive to death but it shocks me that its an illness??!!

Sam, they also have one which is (fear of Germs or infection)..Is that your worry about eating out at a restarant? ( I often wonder how clean some kitchens are and do they wash their hands?)

I am a bit funny with Germs, I dont touch buttons, eg ( pressing the button at the traffic lights to cross the road, buttons at the elivator, I always wipe my hands with wetones after filling up the car with petrol, dont put my hands on the railings on stairs, hate opening a public door by the handle and please dont get me started on public toilets....eeeekkkkkk. I am not really bad but it would be easy to get out of control!!

Ok well thats my 2cents worth for today.
Hope everyone is doing ok :)
AnnMaree

[koshi_bara]

Hello guys, I apologise for the late reply. I've been busy with work the last couple of days.
Well, Today is just a normal day for me. I go through the same crap every day of my life, whilst I've had this for two years. I'm also too afraid to open up to anyone and be comfortable about telling them about my problems. Like I said, I dont really have any supportive friends over here...
And most of them dont even know the half of what I am going through.
To answer your question Aussiemum, I live in north wales in the United Kingdom! I didn't know this was an Aus site?
You're not alone with the fear of going mad either, as I always think I'm going insane with my thought patterns and such, but what I always think is a crazy person can't determine whether they're crazy or not if you get me..
And I know you're not mad or anything, as a lovely person like you wouldn't of been so nice to me otherwise. :)

And Sam, I truly do empathize with your problem. I always come up with excuses to my friends, who aren't really good friends at all on not going out with them. Even if I do go out, I know I'll sit in the corner and just be withdrawn, and I dont wanna look like I want attention but that's seriously how I'll react!

Thank you everyone for your replies and your kind support, I am here also for all of you going through similar things to me and I will offer my support to you as well.

-Chelsey

[Spidy]

hello koshi bara , never mind for the late reply everyone out here understand each others problems , well how are u doing now after joining this forum , well read yours problem sounds really painful , well don't worry , if you need any help please be there to say us , we all would do our best to help u .

and hello annmaree , sam , minxy ,mesandy and other members and what about mamalisa were is she looks a bit busy , anyways hello to everyone .

take care and be happy.

thanks,
spidy.

[Aussiemum]

Hello Koshi-bara, Spidy, Sam, mamalisa, mesandy, minxy and all new faces..

I just love logging onto this site daily to see who is here!

chelsey, I think this is going to be a long road for us both. I would love to wake up one day and be Anxiety free!
but with everything I have read on Anxiety it MAY stay with us for life.. Good News is we will have the skills to control it.

When you look at the poor unfortunate people out there who have a terminal illness or blind or homeless or all the other serious problems I guess we are lucky??
We will gain control of our lives, we will live a normal life and we will be happy.

I hate using the sick and dying as an example but when things seem really bad with us its just our mind playing tricks. We are healthy and alive!

There are certian things I dont talk about with my counselor or loved ones but I feel good about expressing them here.

its funny I dont know anybody here but the fact we share Anxiety makes you all so familiar and I feel I can speak with you all so openly :)

OK, well lets have a great day and I will hear from you all soon.
AnnMaree

[koshi_bara]

Yeah it feels as though we are all close! I've known you all for a very long time because we all share similar problems with our Anxiety.
Lets all be there for each other throughout our problems and we'll all help each other through it :]
Everybody needs help sometimes.

-Chelsey

[Aussiemum]

Hi Chelsey,

So how are you doing?
you say you have been dealing with your fear for 2 years now.
if you were to rate your fear what would you give it out of 10? How do you think you would have rated your fear say 2 years ago?

Are you different from your friends/ Are you happy when you are with them or are you crying inside?
When you are worried, what do you do to help yourself?
i am just trying to find out how you are now verses when you were 15 before you were exposed to that show.

Please dont feel obligated to tell me, I am just trying to get a better understanding about Satanophobia.

i am learning so much about my Anxiety towards death and I feel I have started the road to recovery. It could take me a LONG time before I feel in control again but I have taken back my life and want to see a bright, happy carefree me!!!

Take Care Chelsey and look forward to hearing from you.
AnnMaree :)

[Mesandy]

hello koshi bara , read about you feeels sad , but dont worry now u have joined this forum all yours worries would be gone and u would be normal as u always wanted to be and dont hide any of yours problems cuz we would be the first to help u out .

take care and keep smiling ,

thanks,
mesandy:)